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GUIDE: 5x07 The Itch

5x07 - THE ITCH
Writer: Peter Blake
Director: Greg Yaitanes
Original Airdate: Nov. 11, 2008

Cameron brings to House's team the case of a dying man who refuses to leave his home. As House struggles to treat and diagnose the agoraphobe, he suffers from a maddening itch he refuses to identify. Can Wilson show him the light?



I. House kind of hit that last night



House: What's this?
Cuddy: Takeout menus. I'm hoping you'll come up with a better answer when everyone asks what we're talking about. Last night...
House: Forget it.
Cuddy: I know this is awkward but we need to talk.
House: There's a reason that we've evolved the feeling of awkwardness. It tells us not to talk about things.
Cuddy: I was emotional because of the adoption falling through. And you... actually let your human side show for a moment. That is why we kissed. I just want to say thank you for not taking advantage.
House: You're welcome. Anytime you want to stop kissing, I'm there for you.
[House passes Cuddy back her folder and goes back into his office.]
Cameron: Portable equipment can't distinguish a bleed or a tumour, can't see vasculitis. What did Cuddy want?
House: I kind of hit that last night so now, she's all on my jock.
13: Wow, she looks pretty good for someone on 'roofies'.


II. House plans to ignore Cuddy for the rest of his life



[Wilson enters House’s office. House appears to be asleep in his chair.]
House: Go away.
Wilson: Did you speak to Cuddy last night?
House: She’s fine. Why would it take anyone more than a few hours to get over misplacing a baby?
Wilson: You spoke to her?
House: Kinda hit that, so she’s all on my jock.
Wilson: Whoa. Wha… What?
House: Huh. Everyone else thought I was kidding.
Wilson: You… hit? Like making out? Or full-on sex? Or…
House: I’ve got a chart laid out with all the bases. I’ll take you through it.
Wilson: Whu… well, what are you going to do?
House: What can I do? I’m going to ignore her for the rest of my life. This mosquito bite kept me awake.
Wilson: Don’t care about the bug bite. She’s your boss.
House: So now I have two reasons to ignore her. [pauses] It was just a kiss.
Wilson: There’s a reason…
House: Yes, those large things in her bra...
Wilson: … you were hiding it from me. Means it meant something to you.
House: Yeah. I fiendishly concealed it within the phrase 'I hit that'.
Wilson: Stop scratching, you’ll draw blood.
House: Finally. You’ve said something useful. I should actually break the skin and let the poison out.
[House's cellphone rings.]
Wilson: If you dated Cuddy, there would…
House: (answering his phone) Sorry, I get better reception when you’re not here.
[Wilson, sighing in frustration, leaves House’s office.]

III. Cuddy has totes never thought about House in that way



[Cuddy is sitting by herself at a table in the cafeteria. Wilson joins her at the table.]
Wilson: How you doing?
Cuddy: Better.
Wilson: Great. Everything else good?
Cuddy: Uh, everything involving me kissing House is good. Oh god, you dragged it out of me, you’re a genius! It’s no big deal. I was feeling vulnerable. He’s a friend. And I leaned on him.
Wilson: It’s funny. I’ve leaned on friends in the past. Never leaned so far my tongue fell into their mouths.
Cuddy: I don’t think of House that way. I never have.
Wilson: Why not?
Cuddy: You know exactly how it would go. It would start off exciting and we’d get caught up in the novelty and the hostility and the forbiddenness and then we’d realise that the flirty hostility is just hostility and his inability to open up is no longer exciting, it’s just frustrating and then... and then it’s the inevitable blow-up and the recriminations and we don’t talk for two months.
Wilson: Yeah. Well, it certainly proves that you’ve never thought about House that way.
Cuddy: I get your point. I will be more careful with my tongue in the future.
Wilson: That’s not my point. Maybe novelty and hostility and forbiddenness doesn’t have to end bad?
[Cuddy’s pager goes off]
Cuddy: Gotta go.

IV. It's early stigmata season



[Chase and Cameron bicker about their relationship in the hospital hallway with PTSD Guy. Cuddy stops them in their tracks.]
Cuddy: You do know they page me when that much surgical equipment is signed out.
[Cut to a hospital room; House is seated in a chair watching as Cuddy and Cameron argue.]
Cuddy: He didn't consent.
Cameron: He consented to the surgery. You think he's going to sue over where?
Chase: He wouldn't know where, he'll wake up in his house, he won't know a thing about what happened.
Cuddy: Until he catches a post-surgical infection in his dirty apartment and finds out we tricked him and winds up owning the hospital.
cameron: Why aren't you arguing with her?
House: Because she's right. I don't care where he gets the post-op, just that he gets it. Keep him here.
[Chase and Cameron leave.]
Cuddy: House, you okay?
House: Yes, we don't need to talk.
Cuddy: Your hand?
House: Huh, that's weird. I usually don't get the stigmata 'til Easter.

V. Bad lovin' gone bad: Cuddy throws them off the case



[Cameron was an idiot. Everyone is in Cuddy's office discussing Cameron's idiocy.]
Cuddy: Well done. Your patient called his lawyer, threatened to sue us and is now heading home, completely undiagnosed.
House: He'll soon be on his way back. He's sick. He'll crash, he'll lose consciousness, they'll declare an emergency and bring him back in.
Cuddy: Not anymore you won't. His lawyer now holds his health care proxy. The next time we have an emergency, Larry Ruzsekis Esquire will be calling the shots.
Cameron: I made the right call. If he'd flipped out after the surgery, it would've been worse.
Cuddy: The benefit of being boss is that I don't have to argue. You're all off the case.
[House leaves. Cameron, upset, chases after him. Poor Chase follows.]
Cameron: What's going on between you and Cuddy?
House: Bad lovin' gone bad.
Cameron: Seriously. Why didn't you argue with her, she just threw us off the case.
House: Because ignoring her is a lot easier. Convince the patient to let us back in again. See if you can clear his blockage with lactulose. If this thing kills him before we can diagnose, it won't be fun any more.

VI. Word of the day: 'vicarious'? Or 'denial'?



[House is searching the cabinets in an empty patient room, rifling through the cabinets. Wilson enters]
Wilson: It’s like the red badge of idiocy.
House: If the Confederacy had mosquitoes, we’d all have southern accents and I’d be paying Foreman less.
Wilson: She kicked you off the case. This is what happens when you don’t address it. She acts weird. Things get different.
House: You understand that different implies difference. She’s tossed me a million times before.
Wilson: No. She always chastises you, and you’d always come running to me to complain. So you’re acting different too. You’re scared. You are scared to get involved.
House: How is that scared? It’s rational. Emotionally mature people who work together should not date. Guaranteed breakup, guaranteed ugliness.
Wilson: Any relationship that doesn’t end in a breakup ends in death. Everything falls apart in the end. That’s your world view. The corollary, which you keep forgetting, is that you have to grab any chance for happiness.
House: Why does this matter so much to you? Cuddy and I are fine. The only person getting worked up here is you.
Wilson: I don’t want you to be fine. I want you to be happy. I think if you dated her…
House: Are you familiar with the adverb 'vicariously'?
Wilson: If I wanted to ask her out…
House: You did ask her out. Last year. Whatever happened there?
Wilson: I don’t know… I wasn’t interested.
House: Wrong. You were interested. But Amber grabbed your genitals first. And now you’re single, and it makes you miserable, 'cause you think it’s too soon for another relationship, so you’re going to make me miserable. Please, get a girlfriend, or a life, or something... For me.
[House opens the door and leaves the room.]

VII. Wilson is totes not here to play matchmaker



[Wilson knocks on Cuddy’s office door. Cuddy is going through some files.]
Wilson: I’m not here to play matchmaker.
Cuddy: Okay.
Wilson: House basically… well, he accused me of being interested in you.
Cuddy: Oh, he’s just trying to change the subject.
Wilson: I know. But I do have… I have always had some feelings for you.
Cuddy: Are you saying you want to date me?
Wilson: No, I… it wouldn’t be fair to House and it’s too soon after Amber.
Cuddy: But you thought you should just say it.
Wilson: Yeah. I thought you should know.
Cuddy: Then let’s have dinner tomorrow night.
Wilson: Okay.
Cuddy: Or maybe it’d be better if we just... had sex.
Wilson: Pardon me?
Cuddy: In front of House’s office. I mean, I don’t want to take any chances. I assume the point of this is to make him jealous and to make him realise that he does want a relationship with me?
Wilson: Yes. You think it’ll work?
Cuddy: You’re an idiot. Trust me. Everybody will be happier if House and I aren’t dating.
[Cuddy walks over to Wilson. She smiles at him, grabs his face tenderly, and kisses him on the cheek. Awwww.]

VIII. HOUSE DIES, ZOMG!



[House is in his apartment, setting up a propane tank using an instruction manual. He spies the pesky mosquito on the tank and swats it with a magazine, but only dislodges the cap on the tank. He limps after the bug into the kitchen and swats at it on the stove, starting a small fire. He then realises that the gas is off while his apartment is suffused with propane. HIS APARTMENT BLOWS UP. KIDDING! Ha ha, it's a dream!]

IX. House got bitten the night he kissed her



[Wilson, in his pyjamas and clearly upset at having been woken up in the middle of the night, comes to the front door. Someone is knocking incessantly. Looking through the keyhole, Wilson sighs. He opens the door to reveal House, who is knocking with his cane.]
House: Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
[House enters the apartment.]
Wilson: Have you considered that it’s not my place you really want to be walking into right now?
[House walks into Wilson’s kitchen and goes over to the sink.]
House: Ric Ocasek’ll kill me if I… Oh, you mean Cuddy!
Wilson: Yeah, she’s a little nuts, but she’s beautiful, smart, funny, and most important, she can stand you.
House: Yeah. I came here to have you lecture me on Cuddy, because there’s a killer mosquito chasing me around my apartment.
Wilson: House, there is no mosquito. This is all about Cuddy.
House: Ah, she’s bugging me. Poetic!
Wilson: Have you seen this bug?
House: Have you seen this bite?
Wilson: No. What I’ve seen is a suppurating wound that you’ve scratched and mutilated into a gangrenous state. Delusional parasitosis.
House: I’m not imagining things.
Wilson: House, you’re a drug addict. You’re... always imagining things. You got bitten the night you kissed her. Your itching always gets worse when you think about her. You need to address this.
House: She’s my boss.
Wilson: No, you’re not afraid of authority. You’re afraid she actually is right for you. You’re afraid to take a chance because it’s too big a chance. If it doesn’t work with her, then maybe there’s no one out there.
House: I am not rationalising. I’m better off alone. Also, have you seen her ass recently?
Wilson: You’re not staying here.
House: Oh, come on.
Wilson: Nope. You can go home [reaches over the couch and shoves House] or you’re going to Cuddy’s. You’re going to ring her doorbell, and you’re going to ask her out on a date like regular people do.
House: At three in the morning? Don't regular people sleep…
Wilson: Buh-bye.

X. NEWS ALERT!!! House = PTSD Guy!!



PTSD Guy: I don't need a change.
Cameron: I know you think that, but your life would be better, you'd have choices.
House: He's lying...
Cameron: About what?
House: About everything. About his life. He doesn't think he's happy here. He's miserable.
PTSD Guy: I have everything in need.
House: Yeah? Then why did Taub find rose petals in your entry hallway? It struck me as a little weird. Thought it might be medically relevant. It actually just told me you were pathetic. The day you crashed in your entryway, it was your girlfriend's birthday. You weren't there for the mail. You were trying to go lay flowers on his grave. Yeah, he's got PTSD. Yeah, he's agoraphobic. He's also a coward. You want to change your life, do something. Don't believe your own rationalisations, don't just lock yourself up and pretend you're happy.

XI. I'm In Love With A Girl



Cue I'm In Love With A Girl, by Big Star (download):

I'm in love with a girl
Finest girl in the world
I didn't know I could feel this way

Think about her all the time
Always on my mind
I didn't know about love

All that a man should do is true
I didn't know this could happen to me


[House is playing his guitar. The bug lands on his hand, and he makes to swat it away - but changes his mind. He studies his hand, and then makes a decision. He grabs his keys and jacket, and leaves his apartment. PTSD Guy, meanwhile, walks the long hallway to his front door. House gets off his motorbike and walks up to Cuddy's house. He doesn't ring the doorbell, but studies her through the living room window. PTSD Guy opens his front door, and walks out into the night air. House studies Cuddy's profile again, ducks his head, turns and limps down the steps.]



Note: I apologise for not having contributed much to the community recently, but I was SO inspired by this episode that I HAD to get the guide and transcript up right away so that FLAILAGE CAN ENSUE. Picspams - especially now that our ship is EXPLODING OFF THE SCREEN - are a daunting prospect for me at this moment, what with work and all, but I hope this will do for the moment. :D The colouring on the caps turned out a bit artier than I intended, but hey, at least this means I have icons? ;)

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Comments

( 19 comments — Leave a comment )
pallasdiamond
Nov. 13th, 2008 05:59 pm (UTC)
YAYAYAYAY!!!!!!! Woop!! I love this episode SO HARD. THANK YOU! *excited for picspam*
ellixian
Nov. 13th, 2008 06:03 pm (UTC)
Ahahaha, glad you enjoyed! I ADORE this episode too, my god. I'm afraid the picspam might be far longer in coming - it'll be insane! The guide alone took 40 caps!! O_O
pallasdiamond
Nov. 13th, 2008 06:09 pm (UTC)
Oh gosh! I'm just happy to watch and re-watch and look at all these pretty caps :D
ex_bluebonn
Nov. 13th, 2008 07:36 pm (UTC)
THIS EPISODE ROCKED SO HARD. Thanks for the download; I'm going to snag it when I get home.
alex_kingston
Nov. 13th, 2008 07:55 pm (UTC)
gah pic spams are just the best thing to read/watch before you go to bed.
:D:D
HAPPY SIGHS ALL AROUND!

jukebox_grad
Nov. 13th, 2008 08:41 pm (UTC)
HAI!

YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE ME HURRY UP AND DO "ADVERSE EFFECTS" AND "JOY" SO THAT WE DON'T HAVE GAPS, AREN'T YOU? ;D

I WANT TO FLAIL WITH YOU. I THINK I NEED TO HEAD OVER TO YOUR LJ AND DO SO, SEEING AS HOW THIS EPISODE INSPIRED YOU AND ALL.

What'd you think about the bug -- was it there or not? My initial thought was that considering it was in the same spot as the "bite" on the other hand, he chalked it up to being all in his head. My second thought, if that's the not the case, was that he didn't swat it because he actually LIKED what he'd been thinking about all day.

And Cameron WAS an idiot, you're right. This is what gets me with the "Cuddy's a horrible doctor" thing -- they ALL suck some of the time. The biggest difference is that we don't get to see DOCTOR Cuddy all that often.
ellixian
Nov. 16th, 2008 03:44 pm (UTC)
HAI FLAIL AWAAAAAAAAAAY. I WISH I COULD QUIT MY JOB AND FLAIL PERMANENTLY. BUT I CAN'T. D:

Re the bug - hmmm. I think it was set up so you can go either way on it. I can't even decide which way I'd rather be. Psychosomatic, I guess, since I always like it when House gets a reality check (and mindfuck) since he's always screwing with everyone else.

ARGH CAMERON FAIL. But, then again, Cuddy IS a shit doctor. We've discussed this. ;) I wish TPTB didn't make her quite so faily, but every time Cuddy is in doctor mode, I fear for POTW's life, I cannot lie.
jukebox_grad
Nov. 16th, 2008 04:25 pm (UTC)
CELEBS GET TO PLAY DRESS-UP AND MAKE A TON OF MONEY, WHY CAN'T FLAILING BE OUR FULL-TIME JOB??

I'm not sure which I prefer either. Liss had a poll and I couldn't decide on an answer, lol.

True, all we've seen of Cuddy says she's a shit doctor. Didn't we decide that she must've had SOME skillz, in order to make it to Dean of Medicine, despite being young AND having a vagina? I know, you can be good at schmoozing and get it that way -- but you'd have to be competitive, right? The only glimpse we get at Doctor!Cuddy typically involves her getting involved when she SHOULDN'T be involved. That doesn't really help matters. (But at least we can say Cuddy never never did ecstasy -- I mean, THAT puts her ahead of the other female doctors! ;))

I fear for their life, too. Especially considering the odds of death by cleavage!
kimbari
Nov. 13th, 2008 09:02 pm (UTC)
"roofies" Another name for rohypnol, the date rape drug.

End PSA...
ellixian
Nov. 14th, 2008 12:56 am (UTC)
Great, thank you! I listened to that like three times and couldn't figure out WHAT it was - I didn't know the reference. Duly edited. :D
crumpled_up
Nov. 13th, 2008 10:29 pm (UTC)
FAVORITE SCENE: WILSON/CUDDY KISS ON THE CHEEK. HANDS DOWN. THEN THE HOUSE/WILSON WHERE WILSON SHOVES HOUSE OFF HIS COUCH. YESSS.

IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY SO SEE THIS HERE BECAUSE S5 IS AMAZING AND THIS EP WAS AMAZING AND OMG I WANT TO SQUEEZE WILSON SO HARD LOL.

AND I'M IN LOVE WITH THAT SONG TOO.

AND AND AND HOUSE CANE-LESS! ;ASLKDJF;AOEWIJA;LSDKJFA;LSKDJF CANE-LESS GOING UP TO HER PLACE! A;SKDFJA;OSDIFJA;LSKDJF
jukebox_grad
Nov. 14th, 2008 12:00 am (UTC)
AND AND AND HOUSE CANE-LESS! ;ASLKDJF;AOEWIJA;LSDKJFA;LSKDJF CANE-LESS GOING UP TO HER PLACE! A;SKDFJA;OSDIFJA;LSKDJF

HE'S LEARNED FROM HIS MISTAKES AND REALIZES IT'D BE SO MUCH BETTER IF HE HAD BOTH HANDS FREE, Y/Y?
crumpled_up
Nov. 14th, 2008 12:54 am (UTC)
HAHAHAHAHA I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK! ;) ONE MORE HAND TO HAVE ALL OVER CUDDY AND WITHOUT THE CANE DIGGING INTO HER BACK? OOOH YEAH.
jukebox_grad
Nov. 14th, 2008 12:58 am (UTC)
IS THAT YOUR CANE OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?
lissie_pissie
Nov. 14th, 2008 09:27 pm (UTC)
TEE HEE. his 'real subtle' cane.
jukebox_grad
Nov. 15th, 2008 01:22 am (UTC)
I do not think subtlety is what EITHER of them are aiming for!

And I think we know exactly where they are aiming.
sistasouljah99
Nov. 14th, 2008 12:45 am (UTC)
Love. ♥ I almost thought this was better than "Joy." The whole episode was full of awesomeness. And yay for the song! I was gonna hunt it down and DL it but it's right here for me. :) Thanks!
pottermanic
Nov. 14th, 2008 12:52 am (UTC)
Oh yay! This episode was so brilliant! Definitely one of my favourites of the season so far! :D
wanderlonely
Nov. 14th, 2008 05:33 am (UTC)
::hugs this entry and you tight because she missed this so much::

This entry is love. ♥
( 19 comments — Leave a comment )