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PICSPAM: 5x04 Birthmarks

5x04 - BIRTHMARKS
Writers: David Foster & Doris Egan
Director: David Platt
Original Airdate: Oct. 14, 2008



While en route to his father's funeral, House must help the team with a differential diagnosis on a young Chinese girl who has collapsed under mysterious circumstances.

I. The Reverse "Who's Your Daddy"

[Cuddy enters House's office]


Cuddy: Sorry about your father.



House: I'm not. Are we done emoting now?


Cuddy: If there's anything I can do, just--


House: You know, you're right. I don't think I can sleep alone tonight. Shades of "Half-Wit," anyone?


[Cuddy pulls a syringe out of her labcoat and walks toward House. OMG, HOUSE IS DOING IVF!]


House: You can tell me that's liquid vicodin.


Cuddy: We're giving Ig shots to everyone who came in in contact with your patient. I LOVE this week's POTW. Thank you for not having any manners, SARS!patient!


Cuddy: Shockingly, none of the nurses volunteered to administer yours.


[House starts to roll up his shirt sleeve. BUT, we're cheated out of a "which way to the GUN show" line from House. I hope they can make it up to us somehow!]


Cuddy: Goes better in a large muscle. ILU (MOAR), CUDDY. And House, you are more adorable than any misanthropic, egotistical jackass has any right to be, but, oddly, it's all part of your charm. Or my own psychopathology. It's all very unclear.


Cuddy: Drop your pants. We seriously need to compile a list of House/Cuddy quotes that, when taken completely out of context, are full of epic dirtiness and (perhaps) misunderstanding. I'll start: 1) "Oh, I LOVE Greg." 2) "I want YOUR ASS, IN MY OFFICE."


House: You know, I usually pay tens of dollars to hear that. CUDDY'S REACTION, I AM DEAD.


[House unzips his pants and leans on his desk. Cuddy smiles and pulls them down a bit (but not nearly enough for the fangirls), and gives him the shot. Gleefully, I might add. PREPARE FOR MASSIVE CHEATING. LIKE MORE THAN EVER. BUT THAT WHICH WILL BE PUT TO SHAME WHEN I GET TO THE "JOY" PICSPAM. READY? CHEATING. RIGHT. NOW.]





Cuddy: Funeral's tomorrow. House's ass makes me ponder death, too.


House: [turns back towards Cuddy] My mom called you? I LOVE THAT HOUSE BELIEVES THIS TO BE TRUE.


Cuddy: There is a 3:40 flight out of Newark. If you leave now, you can be in Lexington tonight.



[Cuddy sighs. And this cap is here for no other reason than its complete and utter SEXFACE quality.]


Cuddy: Your mother wants you to deliver a eulogy.


House: "Eulogy," from the Greek for "good word."


House: Now, if she asked me to deliver a bastardogy, I'd be happy to--


Cuddy: Then be a grown-up. Cuddy's such a buzzkill. Um, you know, of buzzes that surround parental death.



Cuddy: Call your mother back, and tell her that you're sick with grief, but you're too busy to be there. I imagine in this conversation, Cuddy would be the blame, and there would be a bondage reference (or two) thrown in, so House can throw suggestive glances in Cuddy's direction. This would shorten the episode quite a bit -- AND cost us some lovely House/Wilson moments -- so the only course of action would be... the PPTH ORGY. Fellows would stay where they belong initially -- on the sidelines, while House, Cuddy, and Wilson show them how things are done around here.


House: She knows when I'm lying.


Cuddy: Then start writing.


[Cuddy leaves]


- - - - - - - - - -

I.5. Wait for it...


[House's office: House stands up, stumbles and collapses on the floor.]


[CUT: We see House in a car, opening his eyes, disoriented. He turns to his left and sees Wilson driving.]


Wilson: I am not doing this because I care. [House smiles]

[CUT: House and Wilson are on the road.]


House: Cuddy drugged me. [House starts to put the pieces together. Mm, Wilson/Cuddy duplicity, how we've... kind of missed you. I applaud any efforts that separate House from his pants, really. I want them to remain apart WAY more than I do House/Cameron.]

Comments

ellixian
Nov. 10th, 2008 03:45 pm (UTC)
ABSOLUTELY ACE. A+++++++++++++

SERIOUSLY. CUDDY IS LUMINOUS IN THIS. FUCKING GORGEOUS. SHE ALSO TELLS HOUSE TO DROP HIS PANTS. I MEAN, WHAT. WHAT. YOU'RE IN A GLASS-WALLED OFFICE, WOMAN. RESTRAIN YOURSELF.

AHAHAHA DRUGGING HIM. I LOVE IT. I LOVE IT MUCHLY.